Hotter math takes: Fitz’s fundamentals

by Annie Cox ’24

December 5, 2023

While I, and others like me, have done what we could to educate the folly out of USN’s young people, too many of them still find themselves often wrong, yet never in doubt.  As an example, in the most recent edition of this once-proud publication, the inane ramblings of an incoherent young math student, Ms. Annie Cox, gained prominence through a back-page editorial whose publication can only rightly be attributed to her position as an editor of the newspaper in which it appeared.

The darkness of the ignorance therein demonstrated can only be cured by the shining of a bright light – a light that emanates from the majesty and wisdom of not only an earned degree of Ph.D. in mathematics but also from him who earned it and parlayed it to its utmost: a Sisyphean lifetime sentence of telling freshmen that they cannot block the entirety of the hallway and reminding Isaac Spiller ‘24, “That isn’t food; you can’t eat that.”

I shall endeavor to shine the light in what follows:  a point-by-point commentary on Ms. Cox’s so-called “hot takes.”

1.  The best measurement on the unit circle is 3π/2. This is non-negotiable.

This is a classic example of argument from authority.  The feebleness of the claim is well-illustrated by the refusal to hear another side.  3π/2 sits at the bottom of the unit circle, WHERE IT BELONGS.  Its vast superior, π/2, sits at the top in judgment, as it rightly should after having fought off the various pretenders that have futilely sought its dominant position.  The sine of π/2 is 1 – a positive, uplifting, maximal value. The sine of 3π/2 is -1, which coincidentally is what I would rate Ms. Cox’s article on a standard scale from 1 to 10.

2.  In statistics, a paired t-test is the worst probability test.

You have probably heard older people like myself say that the young people of today are soft.  These older people are entirely correct.  The above take is a fine example.  The t-distribution is a lovely, symmetric distribution, but I guess when you only know two distributions, the t-distribution is, like, omigosh the worst one EVER.  

In my day, a fellow learned of many distributions.  It toughened you up.  Paired t-tests were like a gentle autumn breeze.

3.  Cosine is better than sine.

This is actually correct.  Blind squirrels, broken clocks, etc.  More broadly, we can all agree that even functions are better than odd ones.  What kind of sadist wants more negative signs in their life?

4.  The best way to prove the congruency of two triangles is Side-Angle-Side.

Leaving aside that I’m not sure “congruency” is a word – as I write this, a squiggly blue line appears under it – Ms. Cox’s streak of decent takes comes to a sad end at one.  Not to get all metaphysical, but what exactly is an angle?  “An angle is formed by two rays,” you say?  But just what is it?  An empty space, a void, a nothing?  Are we to say that this void and that void are somehow the same?  No, we need not debase ourselves in this way, because we have another option, a glorious option:  Side, side, side.  Harmonious to the eye and ear; unfailing friend of the geometer.

5. h(x) is more aesthetically pleasing than g(x).

Truly at this point of reading Ms. Cox’s article, I could only be described as seething, or perhaps by some other suitable adjective conveying a greater degree of furious rage.  The jarring vertical bar of the left side of the h can only be described as a pestilence.  Then the arch leaves an incompleteness under it t`hat is far from aesthetically pleasing!  Meanwhile, the majestic g, consisting in a circle on top punctuated by a mellifluous swoop from underneath, is a complete symphony with a resonant tonal chord sounding at the finish.  One can only assume at this point that Ms. Cox is attempting a Skip-Baylessesque attempt to generate hype for her work by making claims that are patently absurd on their face.

6. The commutative property feels illegal.

I mean, I think this is more of a you problem.

7.  logbx is the most understandable logarithm out there.

Logbx is literally every logarithm.  

8.  Seeing the subtraction of a negative in an equation is better than seeing regular addition.

Yeah, maybe we should just take every addition and make it into four subtractions.  GOOD CALL.

9.  8-15-17 is the best Pythagorean triple.

This reminds me of a time in my youth when I was dating a girl named Sonia.  Sonia was a simple girl, pure of heart; not one who would catch your eye, but neither could she be described as homely.  I left her for Ashley, a head-turning heartbreaker whose next broken heart would be my own.  Now I lie in bed at night, alone, thinking of Sonia and what might have been.

3-4-5 is Sonia.  3-4-5 is the best Pythagorean triple.

10.  Leaving things improper is so joyful.

Ms. Cox’s entire article can at best be described as a massive impropriety, which I indeed hope brought her some joy.  Unfortunately, it was a mound of malicious misinformation.  I have corrected it.  

Don’t @ me.