by Bronson Schmidt ’25
April 2025
In a school as demanding as USN, it is only a matter of time before students need to find relief. For many students, that relief is the comfort of the nearest bathroom. Bathrooms are a staple of school culture; they either embody the blissful release of intestinal pain, or the worse moments of painful despair. For high school boys in particular, USN offers a hefty array of fourteen different bathrooms. But not all of these bathrooms are equal– quest for ranking of the best to worst bathrooms must ensue:
14. Art Wing First Floor: 2/10
This is undoubtedly the worst bathroom available at USN. There is no natural lighting, only one stall and one urinal. The floor is always wet and sticky, the sinks are dirty. Beneath the singular toilet always remains a strange puddle of horror, immediately disincentivizing people to sit down. The only thing I want to do when I enter this bathroom is leave, and even that is difficult as the door handle is sticky.
13. Art Wing Second Floor: 2.5/10
The art wing bathroom on the second floor is the exact same as the one directly above it, but it smells just a tiny bit better. Unfortunately, it still smells horrible.
12. Fitness Center Locker Room: 3/10
This bathroom is nothing more than a pit stop on the way towards the showers of the fitness center. The stalls are cramped and tiny, the floor is wet from the nearby showers, and there is a humid dank sweaty smell in the air that affects not only the nose but the mirror above the sinks. This bathroom does have an incredibly well positioned urinal, as it is hidden away in a corner offering elite privacy. However, this is not a bathroom I would ever use unless I was in the Fitness Center, and it’s not like it’s trying to be anything more.
11. Sperling Cafeteria: 4.8/10
The bathroom inside of the Sperling Cafeteria is one of the most frustrating bathrooms in the entire school. This bathroom does have some high points, that being the large number of stalls and urinals. However, the sink design of this bathroom is horrible. The faucets themselves are visually appealing, but their water flow is messy and goes all over the counter. The worst offense of this bathroom is the abysmal soap and towel dispenser layout. There are two separate faucets available so that two people can wash their hands at once, but all of the soap and towel dispensers are solely on the left side of the sinks. Thus, if the person using the right sink needs soap or a towel, they have to awkwardly reach over the other person or wait for them to finish washing. This clogs the bathroom’s access and leads to very awkward interactions, especially with the little kids that often occupy it. The floor is also way too wet.
10. Third Floor: 5.1/10
The third floor boys bathroom is infamous for its dungeon-like demeanor and unsettling dankness. The reputation of this bathroom precedes itself, as stories of inhuman toilet creations echo in the halls (for legal reasons, the Peabody Press cannot cover the events of February 12). This bathroom does not have a lot going for it: the toilets are often clogged, a strange heavy stench permeates the air, the lighting is grey and abysmal, the floors are sticky. Even worse, a soap dispenser is often missing from the wall and there is a poorly placed dysfunctioning mop washing station right in front of the door. But while this bathroom may be objectively disgusting, it does have a sort of charm. It emanates an aura akin to the torture chambers of medieval times, offering a memorable experience to anyone who enters its chambers. Furthermore, the tiles on the floor consist of a random assortment of different small squares, allowing the avid toilet squatter to find patterns and pictures beneath their feet. If one loses themselves to the patterns of the tiles, they can find faces, dragons, clouds, or even the face of Vince Durnan.
9. Fourth Floor: 5.2/10
The fourth floor bathroom appears good enough at first glance– until you take your first smell. In the past the fourth floor bathroom’s smell has been so rancid that multiple classrooms within a 100 foot radius of its entrance are unbearable. The floors are sticker than they should be, and the sink sprays water everywhere, wetting people’s pants if they lean up against the counter. The best part about this bathroom is that the large stall has a photograph of Barack Obama taped to it, who has the perfect eyes to gaze into mid-visit.
8. Library First Floor: 5.25
Tucked away on the bottom floor of the library, this bathroom is often an overlooked spot. In terms of cleanliness and design this bathroom is spectacular, brandishing perhaps the most clean and grand mirror available in the school. However, it only has one urinal and one stall, which is often occupied by small children due to its proximity to the lower school library. The smell in this bathroom is unsettlingly unique, often smelling like diapers. This bathroom’s experience drastically varies by its smell and occupation at any given moment, making it a very inconsistent visit.
7. First Floor All Gender: 5.3/10
This bathroom often blends in with its surrounding offices, and for good reason. This restroom feels more like a service closet than a room to do your business in. Firstly, the lock on the door isn’t a traditional bolt, but instead a chain lock akin to those at hotels. Due to the positioning of the toilet this makes the bathroom user very anxious that anyone could slightly open up the door and awkwardly see a sliver of them. Additionally, there is a random shelving unit next to the toilet holding bowls, signs, and other various objects that have no place in a bathroom.
6. First Floor Near Elevator: 5.7/10
The first floor bathroom is a good example of how less is more. There is only one stall and one urinal, but the lack of people using this restroom keeps its size manageable. The floor tile in this bathroom really sticks out, boasting a colorful and repeated display. The lighting is warm and is aided well by the window, but the smell of this bathroom is a bit too overpowering for the small room.
5. Second Floor: 6.3/10
The second floor boys bathroom is a decent experience for any casual bathroom-goer. It features a typical “clean-enough” layout, with warm yellow lighting and a hefty 3 stalls and 3 urinals. The bathroom comes with plentiful soap and towel dispensers, offering an easy hand washing experience. The floors are sticky but not horribly so, and the bathroom can smell bad, but it doesn’t all the time. The worst part about this bathroom is its easy accessibility to lower and middle schoolers, making it less clean than it could be.
4. Cheek All Gender: 6.9/10
Perhaps the most discreet bathroom at USN, this all gender bathroom next to Cheek Gym is the most private bathroom to grace the school’s halls. Not only is it an isolated room with a toilet and sink that is fully lockable from the inside, but it is also incredibly spacious. This bathroom is often very private, as it is located in a part of the school that often no one goes to. The lighting is dim and it’s not the cleanest, but it doesn’t need to be because it’s so underused. It smells like cardboard, which is better than any alternatives.
3. Pool Locker Room: 7.3/10
This boys locker room bathroom near the pool is a surprising escape from the monotony of other bathrooms in the school. Immediately avid smellers will notice that the pool’s chlorine blocks any bathroom stink, offering a pleasant olfactory experience. The floor departs from the usual grey stone or square tiles and takes on a blue sparkly tone, which creates a less sticky experience for bathroom-goers’ shoes. Although the floor can sometimes be wet from the pool, this doesn’t affect the walkable spaces too drastically. The stalls are incredibly spacious, as is the large span of 3 sinks and a very good mirror.
2. Second Floor Gender Neutral: 8/10
The second floor gender neutral bathroom is a classic fixture of USN culture. It immediately stands out as one of the most private and spacious bathroom experiences, with many good quality sanitizing devices. It allows students to have a very easy clothes-changing experience for sports or extracurriculars, while offering a comfortable space for particularly painful bathroom visits.
1. Cheek Gym: 9.8/10
Everyone needs to use this bathroom before they graduate. This is perhaps the most slept-on bathroom in the history of USN.
When entering the doors of this bathroom you will be immediately swept away by its immaculate cleanliness and elegant design. There is no noticeable smell. There is no annoying flickering light. There are no puddles on the floor nor stickiness on any surface. This bathroom is about as clean as it gets.
And then, you look down. You see the immaculate floor pattern. It’s as if the universe has opened up its eyes and shed its tears on the ground; galaxies and lifetimes swirl beneath your feet, inviting you to join them as you take your place on the porcelain throne.
The window is blurry, but reassuring. You are at once removed from the familiar world of USN, while simultaneously grounded by the comfort of the natural light and constant pearlescent ceiling lamps. The stall is spacious. The urinal is well positioned. You will never see another soul in this bathroom on a normal school day– when you use this bathroom, it becomes yours.
And then, you use the sink. Two beautifully separated sink basins stand next to each other with two separate mirrors, ensuring that even if there is someone else in the restroom with you, both of you will have full hygienic freedom.
And then it happens. You go to the right sink, move your left hand to activate the automatic soap dispenser, and… BAM!! The towel dispenser right next to your right shoulder begins automatically dispensing you a towel. Simultaneously soap and towel are dispensed, allowing you to wash your hands without dreading the awkward prolonged dance of an automatic towel dispenser.
You finish washing your hands. And then, as you grab the towel, you realize– the towel and trash can are right next to the door handle, meaning that you can open the door with the towel still in hand, throw away the towel, and walk away. You never even need to touch the door handle.
This is the pinnacle of bathroom design. Elegant. Private. Beautiful. Alluring. THIS is near-perfection.
Final Thoughts
No bathroom at USN is perfect, because perfection is a fickle thing. A bathroom can never be good enough to meet the standards of avid restroom goers. But what can be good enough is how students treat bathrooms. Oftentimes a bathroom is subpar because students make it that way– they don’t flush, they don’t wipe their seats, they don’t aim correctly. Time and time again it is the inaction and willful ignorance of students that makes our bathrooms, and the jobs of the people who clean them, far worse.
So in the pursuit of porcelain perfection, treat your bathrooms with the care that they deserve. You need to be there for them because no matter what, they’ll be there for you.
