by Charlie Hall ’27
December 19, 2024
Imagine a future scenario where the teachers at USN are drafted into the Hunger Games. Those with the best chances of survival or the most creative strategies, based on their skills, knowledge, and personalities will be focused on. Each teacher brings a unique expertise based on what subject they teach. The focus is on how each teacher might handle the challenges of the wilderness, make difficult decisions about survival, and balance trust and suspicion. It also considers whether they might be too aggressive or overconfident, or if they can find the right mix of ambition, caution, and strategy to become a champion.
Dr. Bandy: Blanket Bandit and Poison Water Enthusiast
“Fresh Meat” as the other teachers describe him. It’s his first year at USN and probably has the best odds out of any English teacher. He had some interesting ideas to share. His first move in the games would be to grab a vial of poison and a blanket from the cornucopia, run to the nearest large body of water, and poison the main water source for everyone. It sounded like a pretty good plan at this point. Until he turned down the idea of bringing some sort of water bottle to save some clean drinking water for himself; He insisted that the blanket would be more important. What exactly does he plan to do with the blanket? He says, “Wrap it around my head and hide,” which is certainly a strategy. Dr. Bandy may be able to get his resources from the cornucopia and run, however, it’s more than likely that he will be killed in the earlier half.
Expected causes of death: accidentally drinking water he poisoned, or a heart attack when Games start
Ms. Riley: She knows where your vital organs are, but would rather teach you about them
Teaching freshmen will make anyone numb to some truly horrific things. Her knowledge of biology would be beneficial for knowing where vital organs are when hunting food or other contestants. The Hunger Games’ rules on chemical warfare are unclear, but her Chem 1 experience gives her the chance to craft some serious, possibly unethical, weapons. However, Ms. Riley is too kind for her own good. She would likely never stoop to this. It’s possible to see her go on quite an impressive run if motivated enough. She has good survival skills but unfortunately, the odds are NOT in Ms. Riley’s favor.
Expected Cause of death: Inhaling the fumes from Dr. Bandy’s poisoned water when trying to boil it while cooking some food.
Mr. Luffman: Forest Cult Leader with Mutt Betrayal Issues
The one and only Mr. Luffman will, without a doubt, have the best betting odds prior to the fight. The history buff who likely spends his free time studying battle tactics, he’s been planning for this event ever since coming to USN. Though survival skills are not at his advantage, unlike other contestants, he is able to find a workaround. He will run away from the cornucopia when the games start and starts his own civilization with the local Mutts in the forest. They will trade with other contestants while everyone else is fighting it out. Eventually he will build up the greatest empire that the Hunger Games has ever seen.
To the surprise of all a group of 60 Mutts will decide to assassinate Luffman, many of whom he was very close with, at the meeting of the Senate on March 15, the ides of March. He was stabbed a total amount of 23 times. This eventually led to a civil war breakout in the city. The Hunger Games officials decide to just cut them out of the map so they won’t have to deal with it anymore while the main event is continuing.
Expected causes of death: assassination by a gang of Mutts
Mr. Shuster: bribing the Gamemakers with lasagna from his “connections” and getting the arena rewired to only favor him. Rigged? Probably. Effective? Definitely.
Similarly to Ms. Riley, Mr. Shuster primarily teaches freshmen which makes for the most resilient teachers. There’s nothing in this world that can scare this Advanced Geometry teacher anymore. He can use the years of teaching Geometry to calculate the angle at which to fire his arrow to hit the enemy from extremely far distances. The former bowling star has the strength advantage and the mafia connections to get information out of his enemies and have good pasta. He has the potential to be one of the most lethal warriors in the games but at the same time, he has an equal measure of rationality and strategy: the perfect mix for a Hunger Games champion. However the New York native may be caught off guard by the terrain. The trees, jungle, and lack of being mugged in the subway could overwhelm him. Overall, if he plays his cards correctly the odds are indeed in his favor. If one teacher had the best odds to win the Hunger Games it would be Mr. Shuster.
Expected Cause of death: none, or else everyone gangs up on him to make it a fair fight.
